Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Four minutes until I can fart!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
it's like heaven, but drunker
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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