Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
