well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
