I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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