her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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