you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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