somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
