So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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