Yo dont text me then not text me
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
