im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
