you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
