Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize