I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
