if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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