They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
