woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
