Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
