i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Your cock deserves a montage
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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