I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
BRING THE BAGELS
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
