genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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