chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
