You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
