The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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