I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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