There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
