That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
