Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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