thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize