if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
one might say we're banned from that church
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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