i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
