I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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