Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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