girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
