My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize