i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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