When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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