It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
