I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
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