Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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