she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Can I color on your dick again?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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