I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
