I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
