my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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