I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
