I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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