Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
