Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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