he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you didnt know i had herpes?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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