i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
