the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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