This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
