new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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