I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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