he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
