Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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