They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
