and she was petting her beer can
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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