If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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