So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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