When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
